Call on me, Saruman! Call on!
by BakaProductions
Summary: What J.R.R Tolkien found too stupid to put into the books. Legolas spins the saddle twice before putting it on the horse.


The snow fell in huge amounts on the fellowship, nearly drowning them in the cold. The four hobbits stood huddled close, trying to stay warm. Boromir's eyes were twitching over to Aragorn every few seconds, blushing when he returned the gaze.

Legolas stopped, ears twitching at the faint rumble in the wind. "There is a foul voice in the air!" he calls to Aragorn and Gandalf.

"It is Saruman!" Gandalf says, standing with his hat in his hands.

Pippin shivers violently next to Merry. "W-what d-does he want?" he asks, looking frightened.

Legolas looked concentrated for a few seconds, before he turned to Gandalf. "'Gandalf, you old geezer! You still owe me five Druid-collecting cards from last Wizard-meeting!'" he said, imitating Sarumans rough voice.

Gandalf simply smiled. "Ah, that. I forgot about that! It must have been, 583 years ago now I think.." he mused happily, scratching his chin.

Legolas hold up his hand, and concentrated again. "Frodo, it's for you." he said, shrugging at the bewildered look on the hobbit's face.

Frodo shivered, screaming: "YEAH?!!" into the wind.

"'You want some hot chocolate?'" Legolas imitated Saruman again.

Frodo looked confused but nodded.

Legolas looked smug. "'TOO BAD!'" he yelled and began to laugh a very awkward version of Sarumans laugh.

Frodo sniffled and went back to Sams waiting arms.

Everyone sighed and watched as Legolas began to laugh quietly. "No way, she said that?!" he called into the wind, laughing harder.

"Oy, Legolas. Can you hang up now? We all want to get a move on." Boromir complained.

Legolas waved at him, smiling even wider. "Did you hear that?" he asked the wind, getting a thunderous wind as a reply. Legolas looked dissapointed and turned to Boromir. "He isn't interested in you like that, Boromir." he said sadly and shook his head. "He has a crush on Gimli." Legolas admitted slyly.

The dwarf who was laughing, froze. "Huh?!" he grunted.

The wind seemed to screech like a preteen girl. Legolas giggled also. "'My sexy little monkey!'" he purred sensually in Sarumans voice.

Gimli looked both flattered and disgusted.

Aragorn groaned in annoyance and rolled his blue eyes. "Can't you do this later?" he asked hopefully.

Legolas glared at him, clicking his tongue. "Eh, noooo!" he said bitchely. He frowned and looked into the distance. "Damn, I can't hear him because of all the snow." he complained. "Damnit.. Why can't they keep the lines clean?" the elf sighed, clearly dissapointed.

Everyone snickered except Gandalf who looked dissapointed, and Gimli who stared longingly into the distance.

"C-can we move n-now?" Sam stuttered, cradling the still weeping Frodo in his arms.

Gandalf spat in the wind, making it reverse and hit his hat. "Yes! To Moria!" he announced, turning back.

"WHAT! You were against that!" Boromir screamed accusingly.

"I just remembered some more stuff, and I lost a pipe in Huthi's pocket." Gandalf said with laughter in his voice.

Gimli snapped out of his daydreaming about Saru-Saru, and scowled. "Huthi has been dead since before my grandmother was born, Gandalf!" he snapped at him. "But let's go to Moria anyways!" he yelled happily.

Everyone cheered half-heartedly, scoffing at each other.

Legolas was slapping his ear, "I lost him!" he whined tragically.

"LEGOLAS! Get your ass down here!" Aragorn yelled, throwing snowballs after him. "Look! They're just like you! Snowy Balls."

The elf's eyebrow twitched, before he ran after them.

"THE SHOW MUST GO OOOOON!" Boromir sang in a high-pitched voice, eyes scrunched up and hands making various gestures in the air.

Gimli glared at him and snorted. "Foolish human, as if that is going to get you Saru-Saru.." he mumbled, but threw stares at the Gondorian from time to time, feeling threatened. To get his mind off of Boromirs ability to scrunch up his eyes and make gestures, he turned to Aragorn. "So! Aragorn. What is it like banging an elf?" he asked casually.

Legolas fell through the snow in shock. "WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME, YOU MIDGET?!" he screamed outraged when he resurfaced.

"Because I know your ex-girlfriend, Snowballs."

"Mirileth! NOO!"

Gimli stroked his beard. "She has a knack for detailed stories of her sex-life. Or in this case, your non-existing one!" he said smugly before laughing.

Aragorn looked surprised. "Really? I heard it from Elrond... He was SO dissapointed with Legolas last Midsummer-fest!" he said, eyes clouded with strange thoughts about what this meant about Legolas reputation to swing his saddle twice around before placing it on the horse, which was stupid, since elves didn't use saddles.

"He promised not to tell anyone!" Legolas whispered with tears in his eyes.

Boromir nodded. "Nothing against what Sam told me last night." he stated, looking as Legolas froze. "I didn't know elves were that hairy!"

"SAM!" Legolas and Frodo both cried at the same time.

Sam blushed. "Hairier than my feet, Frodo, how could I resist.." he trailed off.

Gandalf stopped and coughed harshly, bending over and wheezing. He pumped the last air out of his lungs and leaned against the mountain. "Smoking is baaad." he moaned. "I get it now, mama..(insert coughing here) Arrh, TO MORIA!" he cried, pumping his fist in the air. "Let's go smoke a big one!"

Merry found a bag with something green in it. "Or a FAT one! HOBBIT style, yo!" he grinned, high-fiving Pippin.

Boromir frowned deeply at them as he found a vial of purple powder. "That is disgusting! I'M AGAINST DRUGS!" he screamed at them while making a line at his hand and snorting it.

Legolas inched closer and closer to Aragorn, looking desperate.

Gandalf had to dig Legolas up from the snow when they came down from this blasted mountain. And he'd be damned if he had to do it without wearing underwear. His underwear, that Boromir had mistaken for a mask.

Saruman tried to call Legolas again, but there was snow on the line. And someone is praising all powers that it was so. That someone was... Probably Eru.


End file.
